“The test of a preacher is that his congregation goes away saying not “What a lovely sermon.” but “I will do something!”
 -St. Francis de Sales

             It’s been said that “The difference between manipulation and influence is the intention.”.  This is absolutely true, however if you are unable to fully convey your intentions, people will never know who you are and what you stand for.  Mastery of the art of communication is perhaps the surest way to succeed in life.  Even if you’re not in a leadership position or a position to exert that much influence, you still need others.  This is a rather comprehensive list (which will be expanded upon later) because we feel the ability to connect with others is so vital that you cannot get by in life without it.  Today we’ll give you the first four.

1.         Credibility      The word “credible” stems from the Latin term credere which means “to believe”.  However the original meaning is ascribed to the speaker, not the speech.  Credibility is based on 3 things: a)  your personal history (including the history of your relationship with your audience)  b)  the connection between your words and your actions and c)  personal appearance.  History is important because people will remember how you make them feel, not necessarily what you say.  In terms of the congruence of your words and actions, even if you have a sketchy past with your audience you can resolve your reputation over time.  Richard Nixon was defeated by John F. Kennedy in the 1960 presidential election.  The American public had simply dismissed him as a player in politics.  However, after the tumultuous presidency of Lyndon Johnson, Kennedy’s successor, Nixon was able to win a landslide victory in the subsequent 2 elections.  After Watergate shattered Nixon’s reputation, he was still able to emerge a decade later as an elder statesman who still substantially influenced politics.  Finally, personal appearance is absolutely mandatory in order to influence.  It may seem trivial but it’s not.  If you are giving a sales presentation or are at a listing appointment, you must look the part.  As my friend and former coach Tom Ferry said, “What do you want them to think of you the second they look through the peephole?”.  Look the part.  Even if your clients are informal or “casual” in their attitude or appearance, wear a tie, drive a decent car, and maintain an acceptable level of fitness.  Appearance will not substitute for competence, but setting the stage to your “likeability” factor by wearing nice clothes (not flashy) and having a formal (business-like) demeanor shows respect and will always make your prospective audience feel important.  Ensure you enhance your credibility by affirming the fact that it is who you are.  In Southern California where “business casual” is flip-flops and a t-shirt, I still wore a tie when on appointments.  Many clients would say that it was unnecessary for me to “dress up” for them.  My response was always that I wasn’t wearing a tie for them, I was wearing it for me. 

2.         Consistency    Your message must always reflect your set of values which do not change with time or exposure to other ways of life.  The importance of one value vis a vis another may shift, but your core values are hard-wired and unchanging.  And by “values” we mean honor, truth, acceptance, tolerance, etc. not things such as “having a nice house” or “being good at sports”.  Even though your beliefs may change, your values will not.  This is why your goals need to be rooted in your values.

            People are not turned off by hearing the same thing over and over again.  If your message is being presented to a fertile audience, consistency will make them feel secure and knock those on the fence to one side or the other.  For example, a huge misconception about Adolph Hitler’s appeal to Germany was the “Big Lie” theory which people assume is “If you tell a lie big enough, people will believe it.”.  That’s only half of it.  What Hitler knew to be true was if you tell a lie big enough, and repeat it often enough, people will believe it.  There’s a reason why the Romans said that repetition is the “mother of study”.  Consistency is the principle which reinforces principle # 1, credibility.  Now matter how good looking you are or the value of what you have to say, if your message changes repeatedly, you will never be believed.

3.         Context           If consistency is a mark of credibility, context is crucial to acceptability.  If a neo-Nazi says the same thing over and over again and appears to genuinely believe in what he’s saying, he can radically misquote or convert the meaning of what he’s saying, even if he’s quoting a fact or a person verbatim.  A quote from one of Shakespeare’s plays you often see on t-shirts is “First, kill all the lawyers.”.  Lawyer-bashing aside, that sentence was uttered by an anarchist in the play who was plotting to overthrow the government by destabilizing society.  So despite Shakespeare’s homage to what he thought was an honorable profession, the exact words have been converted to the exact opposite of their original meaning. 

            But sadly, misquotes and failure to appreciate the context of communication is not only the province of the uneducated or ignorant.  When Admiral Stockdale was Ross Perot’s candidate for Vice President he committed the cardinal sin of looking bad on television.  Adm. Stockdale was one of the most senior POWs during the Vietnam War and endured captivity for ten years being routinely beaten, tortured, and dehumanized.  Yet when he appeared on television for the Vice Presidential debate he opened with “Who am I?  Why am I here?” in the tradition of the rhetorical Greek philosophers.  He was attempting to persuade the American public to ponder the meaning and importance of their decision to vote.  Yet his questions meant to persuade were met with peals of laughter because his audience assumed he was catering to their belief that he was too old and senile.  When he asked one of the moderators to repeat the question and admitted that it was because he had to turn his hearing aid up, the audience once again showed that they had made up their mind by bursting out in laughter again.  Admiral Stockdale was hard of hearing because he had his eardrums broken so many times from beatings that he was practically deaf without his hearing aid.  A sad example of context being misconstrued to suit beliefs vs. the truth.

4.         Compassion      People will not care until you show them that you care.  Assuming you do, you still have to relay the fact that you value their concerns not by coming up with an answer right away, but by affirmation.  You can validate someone’s concerns without validating the accuracy of those same concerns.  Compassion also does not necessarily mean support.  For example, when polled, most Americans (slightly over 60%) say that they feel that gay marriage should be allowed.  However, almost every ballot initiative for the legalization of gay marriage is voted down nationwide.  First of all polls are notoriously vague and easily manipulated (more on that later) and secondly, feeling sorry for the suffering of others is not the same as consent.  We’re not being political, we’re illustrating the stark difference between consent and compassion.

            An excellent book which speaks to affirmative communication is “How to Talk to Your Kids (So that they’ll listen)”.  Although the techniques are tailored to children, the principles remain the same.  Affirmative (in the sense of validating) communication looks like this:  When someone expresses a concern, you must first show empathy towards them, NOT sympathy.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, empathy is showing understanding of what they’re going through.  If a client or friend approaches you with a fear, you should show them you care by stopping what you’re doing, sit near them, and listen.  Hearing is being able to know what they’re saying while thinking of something else (what to say next, what you believe they’re thinking, etc.).  Listening is a concrete pause in action and words and making direct eye contact (this can be conveyed over the phone as well). 

            The next step to affirming someone’s concerns is to agree with how thinking about the concern makes them feel or how disturbing the concern would be if it actually materialized.  Do not move on before adequately and meaningfully conveying that you’re taking what they’re saying seriously, no matter how invalid or remote.  Do not under any circumstances show or infer that the concern is foolish or even highly unlikely.  If someone approaches you with a fear (which is what a concern is), that thing which “only happens to other people” has suddenly become very real.  Real enough to be a possibility in their minds and if you don’t show a willingness to understand the gravity of what they’re saying then you’re also displaying an unwillingness to act should it happen (whether that’s true or not).  A person’s core need before anything else, love included, is to feel valuable, to feel important.  If you dismiss someone’s concerns in any way, you’re showing them (in their mind) that they’re not worth defending or helping.  This is not only in the perception of a child but also adults.  For example, if you’re at a listing appointment and people are worried about the volatility of the market, and your initial response is “don’t worry about it”, they won’t even listen as to why.  If you’re giving a presentation to a board, and you respond to a question with you’re view that what is being brought up “would never happen”, you’re going to make that person look childish in front of his peers.  If you make the chairman look childish in front of his subordinates, you’ll be swimming upstream from that point onwards.

            The final step is to recommend a solution by first asking them if they have any ideas or recommendations themselves.  Don’t ask them if they’ve already thought of any (as in past tense) because that will give the impression that you think they’re being impulsive or anxious.  Even if they are, try to collaborate with them in finding a solution.  Guide the discovery process and try not to appear to have all of the answers.  If they’re part of the problem solving process then they’ll feel better about the partnership they have with you and because of an increased sense of control, they will feel better about the future.  Never forget that you are a leader.  And leaders are about persuasion, not convincing.  Your primary asset, the thing you must always represent and remember, is what Napoleon said regarding leadership:  “Leaders are dealers in hope.”. 

            In summary, if you lack credibility, you’ll be seen as a bore.  If you lack consistency, you’ll be seen as confused.  If you lack context, you’ll be seen as a charlatan.  And if you lack compassion, you’ll be seen as an enemy.  The 12 Principles of Successful Communication may seem like a lot to keep track of.  But they’re not stages in the communication process.  All of them are continuous and complimentary of one another.  The good news is if you’re honest towards yourself and others and honest about what you can and cannot do, you will never fail.  If honesty is the foundation of your communication style then you may have to rehearse what you have to say, but not what you mean.

Having a “can do” attitude - very valuable. 

Knowing when “can do” won’t do - priceless. 

There are times when you’ve done your due diligence, you’ve been honest every step of the way with everyone connected to a venture or project, and suddenly,  everything you’ve worked so hard for blows up in your face.  You re-attack the problem and it’s like throwing a pebble at a freight train.  The problem continues to vex, frustrate you, and is costly to you, your business, and your relationships.  The problem is here to stay.  The good news is so are you.  The scenario I’m presenting to you is not being stuck in traffic.  I’m talking about something which has significantly challenged your beliefs, your methods, even your confidence.  In other words something significant.

            Usually when “can do” fails, the first step is to seek comfort in the arms of others.  But when significance strikes, we realize all too well while can be part of the solution they can’t make the problem go away.  Being willing to trust others and seek external answers is good.  What isn’t good is the usual answer we hear when we’re looking for more than just comfort, but answers.  We approach our pastor to be told “You have to have more faith”.  We call our parents and are told “Don’t worry dear, your father and I think the world of you.”.  Too bad your ex-client or boss doesn’t.  A coach or mentor may say “Fake it ‘til you make it” or tells us to invoke the “Power of Positive Thinking”.  We approach our spouses or significant others and initially receive a compassionate response. But after awhile we begin to be a drain on the relationship because what’s happened is so big we can talk of nothing else.  Defeat happens and you need to understand what it is, how to get out of it, and where to go from there.  However, an unguided or unstructured means of restoration will result in more heartache and more problems.  As for the original problem, it now becomes a pattern.

            So when our relationships don’t cut it we turn to books and that’s good too.  The problem is there are way too many books which offer quick, general, and ultimately childish answers.  Because we’re in an emotionally altered state, we don’t feel like wading through even more complexity loaded with the unknown.  If we feel self-pity then it’s “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (and it’s all small stuff)”.  What about when your wife is diagnosed with cancer?  I guess that’s small stuff.  Or, we’re attracted to the mystical such “The Secret”.  Essentially “The Secret” is that whatever happens to you is up to you and you alone via “The Law of Attraction” (basically a regurgitated form of “Positive Thinking”).  But what about when a pedophile kidnaps and murders an 8 year old child?  I guess they attracted it.  Or how about the earthquake in Pakistan in 2005 which killed 70,000 people?  Did all of those people attract it? 

            Society is under the delusion that if we just try hard enough, if we’re diligent enough, and have enough heart, victory is assured.  The truth is that we can do all of that and more and still sometimes it’s just not our time.  Anyone who chooses to make a living based on passion, knows that it’s a matter of time until we tumble and have to change.  If you are doing something which you have been called to do, you know that although defeat is a probability over time, it does not make us who we are.  We’ve found that the best method to rebound is contained by the “Six Rs”.  Let’s look at the amazing comeback of George Foreman as an example.

            1.         Relax.  When a good boxer takes a blow flush on the chin,  he’ll relax and absorb the blow will allow the force to flow through him, vs. into him.  There’s a reason why in most fatal DUI crashes, the drunk tends to survive.  That’s because he has very little tension in his muscles at the point of impact.  What this would look like in real life is quickly confessing what just happened.  In other words, acceptance.  We all hate to lose.  However, we have to go into any venture knowing that although “failure is not an  option” it’s still possible.  If you know who you are and can already envision what might happen (and therefore put it in its proper perspective) you’ll come out on top and rebound quickly.  If you’re attacked by someone wielding a knife, you have to know that you’ll be cut at least once, if not several times before you can disarm the attacker.  If you defend yourself knowing this already, the chance of going into shock is greatly reduced and so is the chance of you becoming a statistic.

            When George Forman fought in his earlier years, he had an amazing amount of power behind his punches.  Before he was knocked out by Muhammad Ali in the “Rumble in the Jungle”, he had dispatched the second most powerful boxer of his day, Joe Frazier in a mere 2 rounds.  Ken Norton (who broke Ali’s jaw) met a similar fate.  But when Foreman squared off against Ali, Ali refused to go toe to toe with Foreman.  He danced, backpedaled when he had to, and repeatedly got Foreman in a clinch.  Foreman would have to expend energy to untangle himself, and by round 7, against all odds and the unanimous view of the pundits and the public, George Foreman went down.  Years later when he reentered the ring, Foreman, although still possessing plenty of power, chose to absorb the blows by staying relaxed vs. bulling his way through the fight.

            The endstate of being able to relax is not to cover up what happened.  It’s also not repeating that lie we’ve been uttering since boyhood; “That didn’t hurt.”.  But being able to talk about it, limit it for what it is, and make sound decisions after the fact.  Ultimately, relaxed looks like not experiencing frustration to the point of paralysis when you think about it or deal with it.

2.         Remove.          If something has you against the ropes and you can’t absorb anymore punishment, remove yourself from the situation.  That doesn’t mean you have to quit your job or reconsider what you’re doing for a living. If you remove yourself, you’ll avoid making emotional (as in hasty or reactive) decisions.  A sound decision is one which when executed, results in peace in your heart.  Try to get away for a bit. Take some time off, take a vacation, but get out of striking distance of the problem. 

            After George Forman was knocked out by Ali, he was never quite the same again.  After a lackluster performance in subsequent bouts, he collapsed in his dressing room one night and basically had an emotional collapse which resulted in his becoming a born-again Christian.  He decided to enter into the ministry and raise a family, both of which he did very well.  Boxing was his passion and because of that he was very appreciative of what boxing gave him.  He knew that he was meant to box and still, despite his intense training regimen, his heart being 100% in it, and his 44-2 record (31 by knockout), it just didn’t happen.  He removed himself from the boxing world, seemingly never to come back.

            He still boxed as a hobby, still trained, and therefore kept in touch with the boxing world.  But he had removed himself from the effects of the media, the ability for anyone to criticize him, or mention that he just wasn’t the “George Foreman of old”.  That’s what successful removal looks like.  You’re still aware of the problem, but you’re far enough from it financially, socially, and personally, where you know that despite the fallout and feedback, you’re in a safe place.

3.         Replenish.       This is where most of us go wrong.  When we’re drained of energy and hope, we have to go somewhere to fill our tank.  “Blowing off steam” is a part of the process.  But the pursuit of pleasure, if it’s the core of what you do and think about, is not.  It’s very seductive to sink back into the couch and zone out (“chillax” a friend of mine calls it) watching television.  That’s ok, but ensure that you have a plan to get back up.  The best way to do this is by a) accountability from a peer or coach and b) setting a time limit both long term and daily for leisure activity.  And c) Selectively choosing the activities you will use to fill up your tank.  Playing endless video games is neither relaxing nor replenishing.  Most men play video games which entail shooting, killing, or some sort of competition (myself included).  But when you’re done with your Halo or “Street Fighter” marathon, you’re not fulfilled, you’re spent.  Try to focus on hobbies which entail some sort of creativity, something which is growth oriented.  If it’s a video game, try one of the SIM games or even strategy games, something which uses your mind but doesn’t tax it.  If you want to take a vacation, go somewhere relaxing, not Vegas.  If you’re taking a break from your career or the market, choose something where you can come home everyday feeling somewhat fulfilled.

            George Foreman’s boxing days were over (from his perspective) for quite some time.  Yet in the interim he raised a family, developed a great church, constructed a youth center, and was willing to share his experiences on shows such as “The 700 Club”.  Most importantly, he got his sense of humor back.  Not by “keeping the dream alive” but by seeing what else he could do well, aside from boxing.  You can tell where someone is emotionally by watching how they handle their pleasures.  And what separates good men from great men, is how they spend their free time, how they connect with others when they’re down, and the sincerity of their reflection.

4.         Review.           This is usually where most men stop.  You don’t have to indulge in debauchery in order to avoid the truth.  You also don’t have to whip yourself endlessly (although you can expect this too).  But if you want to stick it out, something has to change, usually you.  We can keep doing what we do and succeed wildly at it for awhile.  But eventually, conditions will change, either in your market, your industry, client base.  Whatever it is, no one can get by doing the same thing over and over again no matter how brilliant their past performances were.  If you’re properly and adequately replenished, then you’ll have regained your energy.  Energy enables hope.  And now you’re ready to review what you’ve done, what happened, and how you want to do things from here on out.  If all of the above require changing who you are (and usually it does), then you’re ok with that too.  What a review looks like is threefold:  1)  Asking for counsel from a coach or mentor.  A good coach can help you not only conquer lost ground, but to conquer yourself.  2)  Being willing to conduct a thorough “AAR” (After Action Report) on not only what went wrong, but also what went right.  Avoid the temptation to dissect your reasons for failure alone.  3)  Refrain from taking anything which is said or discovered personally.  In his book “Integrity”, Dr. Henry Cloud calls this process an “autopsy”.  But just remember that you’re conducting an autopsy on something which will remain dead, be it a part of your character or way of doing things.

5.         Re-Arm.          George Foreman knew that he could no longer throw powerful combinations (a quick series of punches).  Throwing a rapid succession of powerful punches like he used to would wear him out too quickly.  And, although he had strength, he lost the 2 other “Ss” of punching power: speed and “snap”.  Diminishing speed as you age is a given.  And “snap” is the quickness and timing applied in retracting a punch.  Think of striking someone with a whip.  The pain you deliver is not from the whip hitting the unfortunate victim, but pulling back on the whip at just the right time so that the tip of the whip leaves a lash.  However, rather than chase his ability to “snap” for endless hours in the gym for minimal overall return, he continued to get stronger and changed his strategy to overwhelm his opponents by sheer size.

            What we’re getting at here is that when you decide to increase the lethality of your arsenal, you have to make what made you great even greater, and figure out a way to cover the gaps in your methods.  If you spend the bulk of your time and effort working on your weaknesses, you’ll wind up having strong weaknesses.  But you also have to find a way to manage your weaknesses.  One of George Foreman’s weaknesses in his younger days was his attitude.  In public, Foreman appeared morose and sullen.  He appeared to be motivated by a grim determination.  When he lost, boxing fans didn’t feel like they lost as well.  But when he returned to the ring, he answered the borderline insults from the pundits with humor.  In an upcoming bout with Evander Holyfield, a commentator said that Holyfield looked like a Greek god and Foreman looked like a Greek restaurant.  In the commercial for the fight, Holyfield said that he couldn’t wait to wear the championship belt around his 32 inch waist.  When the camera flashed to Foreman, he said “I can’t wait to wrap that belt around my 32 inch…..bicep!”.  Foreman simply wasn’t attached to the outcome because God had asked him to do this.  In addition to doing something he was literally called to do, he also repeatedly said that he wished to inspire “older folks” and show them that they were capable of more.  This time, the American public had not only accepted Foreman, but adopted him as well.

6.         Re-engagement.          Against all odds, and with several losses along the way, Foreman, at the age of 45, regained the heavyweight championship of the world (and not against weak opponents either).  His championship fight was against Michael Moorer, who was not only stronger, but had beaten the “Greek god” Evander Holyfield.  Moorer was not only stronger and quicker, he also had a first rate trainer, Teddy Atlas who trained Mike Tyson in his rise to greatness.  Years later, Teddy Atlas appeared on ESPN as part of a round table of boxing experts who were debating the greatest heavyweights of all time.  When he was asked about how his protégé Moorer was knocked out, Atlas replied; “I knew we were in trouble when I saw him walking towards the ring.  He was wearing the same trunks he wore the night he was knocked out by Muhammad Ali.  I knew we were in trouble because any man who is willing to confront his past is dangerous.”.

            The “Six Rs” are proven.  They’re reliable not just for how to get out of a rut, but how to do better next time.  This is because the “Six Rs” focus on how to be better next time.  Following this method won’t undo your past.  But it will make it irrelevant.  Not by denial, not by avoidance, but by making it a part of who you are.