So far we’ve come up with 8 principles of successful communication.  They are:

1.         Client Focused:           Put the client first and everything else will fall into place.

2.         Edification:                 Express why you admire your audience for a specific                                                           reason.

3.         Credibility:                  Look the part, follow through on your promises, and know                                                  your topic inside and out.

4.         Consistency:                Avoid waffling or changing your persona to suit the                                                             situation.

5.         Context:                      Ensure that your presentation is relevant to the                                                                      times/situation and applicable to your audience.

6.         Compassion:                No one will care unless they see that you care first.                                                               Empathy, not sympathy.

7.         Clarity:                        Work big to small.  State the general principle and then                                                        demonstrate it in real life.  Ask for what you want in                                                            specific terms and be prepared to answer “What would that                                                       look like?”

8.         Conviction:                 If you don’t believe in what you’re saying, you don’t stand                                                             a chance.  Reject your message if it’s self-serving,                                                                 manipulative, or needs further reflection on your part.

            For the sake of brevity and because we want to share other topics with you, we’ll wrap up this series with the final four.  They are; Targeting, Research, Feedback, “Weaponeering”.

9.         Targeting:        There’s a saying which states “Know thy audience.”  True, but we want you to select your audience as well.  Ladies and Gentlemen, you simply don’t have the time to convince everyone you would like to do business with of your value, competence, or sincerity.  Sometimes the dogged pursuit of “the one that got away” can be quite costly.  Be selective in everything you do, including choosing who you want to do business with.  Novices prospect and pros understand that sales is not a “numbers game”.   Sales is about velocity, not pinning the tail on the donkey.  If you have a demographic in your client base which is easy to connect with, there’s where your profits lie.  When I began my real estate career, the highest velocity rate was among Marine Corps officers.  Because of a common ethos, there was instant credibility and trust.  Furthermore, because Marines are very team-oriented, they’d actually go out of their way to dig up referrals.  As a realtor, you literally live and die by referrals and it was refreshing to know that I wouldn’t have to spend endless hours following up on quasi-leads or “prospecting”.  Brian Buffini says past clients should be “walking, talking billboards for you”.  We want you to go a step further by inspiring your clients to take action, not just talk about you when real estate comes up.

            After you identify and decide to target your key demographic, begin with the decision makers within each “unit” (investor group, family, etc.).  This may seem obvious.  However, there are many corporate cultures and families wherein people occupying formal positions wield little influence throughout the organization.  Remember that the identification of actual “command and control” figures takes time, patience, confidence, and a willingness to get to know someone.  If you can effectively connect with decision makers, they’ll disseminate the information you provide.  If you allow them to do the convincing for you, they’ll adopt your ideas as their own, and ensure others follow suit.  Bottom Line:  Effective targeting is like collegiate wrestling.  If you control the head, you control the rest of the body.

10.       Research:         You must earn people’s trust.  Trust is displayed by two things; character and competence.  You are absolutely wrong if your client knows more about the market than you do.  Unfortunately, realtors rank very low in terms of the trust factor.  A recent Harris Poll found that only 6% of real estate agents are “completely trusted”.   That’s less than lawyers (18%) and mechanics (12%).  Therefore, expect your clients to conduct their own research (especially at the beginning of the relationship).  But quickly gain control of the information flow by telling them something that blogs and editorials won’t.  Buyer MLS reports are marginally more informative than Realtor.com, Zillow, and the rest of the “civilian” sites, and therefore are unimpressive.  Demonstrate your value by a) showing your prospect they have access to priceless information and b) they won’t get said information from anyone else.  Bottom Line: Always stay two steps ahead of the client and more importantly, let them know it.

            When educating your prospects on the market, give them information specific to their situation.  Before any listing appointment, conduct a thorough reconnaissance of the neighborhood. Show them how many times other listings in their tract have been on the market.  Find out if competing listings have missed a mortgage payment or two (you can find this out by your title rep).  Be able to tell them the personal motivation of other sellers in their tract (by engaging other listing agents in detailed conversations—if you even imply that you may have an offer, they’ll usually spill the beans).  Show them tax records.  Give your prospects the actual value of their home (ironically, if your estimation is lower than that of other agents who’ve given them presentations, you’ll seem more credible).  Regurgitate information from the local paper and you’re one of the many vs. one of the elite.  Bottom Line:  Do whatever it takes to find facts about their tract or town which pertains exclusively to your prospect.  The truth is out there.  Demonstrate your resourcefulness.

11.       Solicitation of Feedback:        Structured solicitation of feedback will allow your prospects to adopt your views as their own and is the key to having your client “stay in the conversation”.  Without some sort of format and an agreed upon endstate, the discussion will drift towards who knows where.  The best way to preempt this is to define the terms.  Anyone who’s been to marital counseling knows that the problem isn’t common values between spouses; it’s the definitions of those values. Here’s another example of failing to define the terms; “As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice. I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”  Do you know who said that?  Adolph Hitler. Truth, justice, and what it means to be a Christian, all corrupted because no one would ask hard questions and assume the risk of rejection.

            Structured solicitation of feedback will entail 1) Interactive methods which keep people involved and engaged (such as having seminar participants fill in blanks in the course materials).  2)  Encouraging the exchange of information and ideas amongst the audience itself.  A good seminar will involve the creation of small focus groups amongst the participants.  The goal is to provide opportunities for problem-solving in a relatively private and supportive environment.  There’s a reason why people who exercise in groups report an increase in level in pain tolerance by 96%.  People do much better at a task when performing or presenting to their peers vs. superiors or subordinates.  Bottom Line: Stay on task and create consensus by providing a structured and solution-oriented format which requires input from your audience.

12.       “Weaponeering”:  This is the military version of selecting the right tool for the job.  The American military is renowned (and respected) for its’ restraint, professionalism, and precision.  Gone are the days of “strategic bombing” from the WW II era where entire population centers were wiped out with impunity (and that’s a good thing).  In the “2006 Lebanon War” the Israeli Air Force assassinated a senior Hezbollah militant by dropping a 500 lb. bomb on top of the apartment building where he resided.  The entire structure collapsed killing dozens of civilians as well.  That was a situation where the term “collateral damage” didn’t cut it.  Determining what to say to someone and how to say it is no different.  The most effective “calls to action” have resonated with the target audience because the right thing was said at the right time to the right people.  In World War I, Sergeant Dan Daly inspired a counterattack by yelling to his Marines; “C’mon you sons of bitches!  Do you wanna live forever?”  The right kind of language (tool) to inspire Marines in combat?  You bet.  How about if you’re trying to convince a married couple to list with you?  Probably not.  Finally, “Weaponeering” also applies to the topics you’ll need to emphasize in your presentations.  If you’re giving a listing presentation to a family with small children, you must know and be able to comment on school systems.  If your clients need to sell ASAP, you need to emphasize sensible pricing.  Bottom Line:  Use language, tone of voice, tactics, and procedures which make your clients feel comfortable about dealing with you.  Listen, and you’ll quickly determine what they are.

            Whether it’s on the battlefield or the boardroom, you will fail to recruit allies or lasting support unless you create coalition by effective communication.  Listen to what others have to say.  Reject scripts, “mirroring”, or “power words”.  Be comfortable in your own skin and show others that they should be as well.  Be willing to show maturity and sound business sense by moving on if your prospect or audience isn’t “feeling it”.  There’s plenty of business out there.  Be willing to change your point of view or the way you express it.  And be smart enough to know that your intellect and intentions won’t “pass go” unless you pass other people’s evaluations of you.  Never compromise on your values.  But always consider the wants and needs of any audience that you want to connect because you care.  Communicate well and you’ll be successful not only in business, but life itself.

7. Clarity:            The principle of “Clarity” is simply the amount to which your message is easily understood.  If your target audience is a broad one, then clarity will link every demographic within it towards a common purpose.  The father of clarity is brevity.  Most slogans which are easily understood and remembered are short yet impactful.  A perfect example is “A diamond is forever.”  Up to the 1820s, there were two kinds of people who owned diamonds; royalty and pirates.  That’s about it.  However, with the discovery of substantial diamond deposits in South Africa (at the time a British colony), the state-owned DeBeers corporation was able to consolidate 90% of the world’s diamond mines.  For the next 200 years, DeBeers embarked on a relentless campaign depicting diamonds as the ultimate symbol of love to the point where diamonds are now part of the marriage process itself. 

          However, the principle of clarity is not limited to phraseology.  It’s equally important to capture the intention of what it is you’re trying to convey.  A stunning example is Lee’s order to Gen. Ewell on the first day of the battle of Gettysburg.  Most people believe that the battle was lost at the conclusion of “Pickett’s Charge”.  Although dramatic, by this point the battle was already lost due to severe miscommunication on Lee’s part.  The Union Army entrenched itself on “Culp’s Hill”.  At the end of a bitter fight on day one, Lee ordered Ewell to attack and seize Culp’s Hill “if practicable”.  Ewell’s corps was exhausted and would have to advance through a virtual kill zone in order to get to the hill, so taking Culp’s Hill would be anything but “practicable”.  However, it was doable. Both men knew that if Culp’s Hill fell, Lee would’ve had a straight shot to Washington D.C. and been able to deliver terms to Lincoln and a war-weary North. 

          Information must be managed.  Clarity is further compromised when you attempt to deliver your message through other means such as a subordinate, memo, or email.  “Custer’s Last Stand” is an incredible demonstration of why, when it comes to life altering or significant events, we have to be the ones to say what must be said.  When Custer’s column (c. 200 men) encountered approximately 10,000 braves, he sent his messenger, Trooper John Martin, to contact his subordinate, Capt. Reno, for reinforcements. When Trooper Martin was asked for clarification, all he could say was that the Indians were “skeedaddling”.  John Martin’s real name was Giovanni Martini, who had recently emigrated from Italy to the US, and had a very poor command of the English language.  With no elaboration on Custer’s intention and having suffered a recent ambush, Custer’s reinforcements were unable to assist their commander to make an organized withdrawal.

8. Conviction:                At Mastery Coaching we’re convinced that when someone who is ordinarily competent and trustworthy gives a command which is not easily understood, chances are that individual is insecure regarding their decision.  Robert E. Lee had given hundreds of commands prior to Gettysburg which resulted in the humiliation of the Union Army for almost 3 straight years.  Custer was decorated for valor and skill during the Civil War.  But in each instance, what they were asking of their men was a gamble, and they knew it.  When someone wholeheartedly believes in what they’re saying, they find a way to get their point across succinctly and sincerely.  They may change their tune later, but if you’re motivated by something higher than yourself, your inner truth will come out with no need for packaging or “spin”. 

          Of course, your conviction must have a fertile environment for it to take hold.  It must last once you leave the podium.  What we’re talking about is resonance.  If what you say sticks in people’s minds, then you can be assured you’ve hit your target.  Pre-WW II Germany was not a nation of psychopaths driven by bloodlust.  They were a people who had to conclude WW I by signing a humiliating treaty which a) demanded crippling reparations to the Allied countries and b) contained a clause wherein Germany had to admit that it started WW I (which was false).  The first demand ensured that Germany would starve while the rest of the world experienced “The Roaring Twenties”, and the second demand ensured that the next generation of Germans would be eager to “set the record straight”.  This is not to excuse the German people of their deeds. This is simply to illustrate that anyone, if held down and humiliated (via their own perception), will buy anything, even rage and disgust.  Mussolini is still revered in some parts of Italy because for once “people slept with their windows open and the trains ran on time”.  It’s amazing what people will trade in for a sense of security and stability.

          It’s not enough to “know thy audience”.  It’s not even enough to know what their wants and needs are.  You have to ensure that what you stand for and what they want is congruent.  It’s no use trying to convert a buyer if they don’t want to buy.  However, if your gut tells you that they just need reassurance, then find out what that reassurance would be, such as stats, comps, referrals/testimonials, whatever it is, be prepared to provide it and also explain it.  It’s ok to change your tune, as long as you’ve changed your mind along with it.  And, chances are, if you say something quickly and clearly, you’ll also say it convincingly.

5.  Client Focused:     Trust us when we say that if you put the client first, everything else will fall into place.  However, understand that your communication and interaction with clients must be client-focused, not client-driven.  The two are often confused by well-meaning Realtors and other sales professionals who acquiesce to their client’s demands in the name of “good service”.  But here’s the deal; you know more about the industry you’re in than just about anyone else you know.  If you know this in your heart, than others will too.  There have been several times where I have literally told my clients; “You’re the boss, but I’m the expert, and you have to defer to that.”  I was able to say that because my clients knew that I was very honest with them, considered their concerns very carefully, and I legitimately put their needs ahead of my own.

            Believe it or not, people want someone to take charge of the sales process and that is what you must do from the onset.  No buyer has been in my car more than four times.  This is because I not only prequalified them financially, but also emotionally.  Buying a home is an emotional decision and you have to ensure that they’re in the right place.  I urge you to sit down with buyer prospects before you send them anything.  It displays commitment on your part and, since they’re taking time out of their day to meet with you, you’ve now been associated in their minds with the same commitment.  When you speak with them, don’t just take an order as you would if you were waiting on tables. Listen to their wants and needs and then probe their minds as to whether or not they’ve considered other options, where they’re headed in the next several years, what their hobbies are, even what their dreams are.  Get them thinking seriously about their decision and let them know that you’re not only going to buy them a home, but also a lifestyle.  The purpose of this interview is to establish rapport.  Create a relationship by helping them have a vision of the future full of hopes fulfilled.

            Once you meet with the buyers, the next immediate step is to have them call or meet with a lender. You need to let them understand that you’re serious about what you do and that they have to see what they’re getting in to.  If a buyer asked me why they needed to speak with a lender, I would tell them; “Because I wouldn’t want to compromise your expectations by seeing homes you couldn’t qualify for, or have you miss out on something which would be within your reach and you would really like.” Once they were pre-approved, I would set them up on MLS emails, but not the buyer version, the agent version.  Why?  Because it shows a) that you’re confident enough to know that they’ll stick with you b) you’re validating their concerns about honest representation, and c) you’re willing to give them something no other agent would.  It’s amazing to me how many agents will set up prospects on automatic buyer version MLS emails and hope that someday they’ll return their calls.  If you do this, you’re placing yourself on the same level as Realtor.com and your value to them will never be revealed.  Let’s face it, agents rank somewhere between lawyers and politicians when it comes to the trust factor.  There’s a tactful way to say just about anything.  Determine from the outset that, as I would say in my intro packet to buyers, “I’m not here to sell you anything.  I’m here to help you execute a decision you’ve already made.”  And finally, “client-focused” means you have to say “no” when they’re about to make a mistake or they want something they think they need.  Be honest enough to point out a property’s flaws, even if they don’t catch it.  I’ve even gone so far as to say “I don’t like this place.”, even if the buyers did initially.  By showing them that brushed chrome and granite countertops won’t make the freeway behind their home disappear, they got the fact that I knew more than they did and that I was willing to “blow” a sale for their sake.  And for your own sake, maintain your sense of self-respect by showing yourself that you’re not only an agent, but that you’re a guardian as well. 

6.  Edification:           “Edify” comes from the Latin word edifice, which means the erection of a house or a temple.  The current definition is “to instruct and improve, especially in moral or religious knowledge”.  At Mastery Coaching we like to say we help others do this because we know that people are incapable of changing others, we can only influence.  With that said, you cannot influence someone without first making them feel important.  In the communications classic “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, Dale Carnegie explains how the need to feel important is the primary desire of every human soul and how without it, we whither:

            “Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality.  There are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the United States than from all other diseases combined.” 

                Edification is not flattery.  It’s not complimenting someone either.  Any “improvement” mentioned in the definition above, requires truth, and the truth required before any improvement is made is inherently uncomfortable to your audience, if not hurtful.  Before they begin to believe that you’re another face in the crowd which doesn’t believe in them, attempt to find something, anything, about the person which has redemptive value.  Then, somehow tie it in to how the person can rely on this “something” to help them overcome the obstacle they’re facing.

            Prior to entering sales and coaching, I served as an officer in the Marine Corps and had the honor of leading Marines into combat during Operation Iraqi Freedom.  In the weeks before the invasion, our unit was relentlessly training across the border in Kuwait and spending its “off time” continually cleaning and maintaining weapons, vehicles, and radios.  I had one marine, Private Barnes, who would not “get with the program”.  Although enthusiastic and eager when he joined the unit, his performance had steadily declined.  When I heard that his absent-mindedness was manifesting itself in not bothering to maintain his gas mask, I knew that he needed immediate and severe correction.  I had Private Barnes report to me in my tent.  When he snapped to attention, I immediately put him at ease and walked with him away from my tent and earshot of everyone.  I said “Private Barnes, I understand that your father was decorated with a Silver Star for valor in Vietnam.  Is that correct?”

            “Yes Sir.”

            “I also understand that he passed away recently.  Is this correct?”

            “Yes Sir.”

            “What do you think he thinks of you right now?”

            “I don’t think he’s too keen on me Sir.”

            “I disagree.  I think he’s proud of you.  I think he’s looking down on you right now, hoping, in fact, ensuring, that you’ll do well out here.  Do you think you can live up to that legacy?”

            Barnes’ eyes moistened a bit, just a tad, not much.  He assured me that he could and that was the end of it.  I never had a problem from Private Barnes again, including in combat.  He never turned into a superstar, but at least now he was reliable.  No “rah, rah”, no appealing to God and country, no reprimand, no threats, not even encouragement.  I simply helped the marine remember who he was and where he came from.  The world is a harsh place, in Iraq and everywhere else.  If something needs to be done, and you need the assistance of someone whom you can’t replace, the only way to correct the course of the relationship from your end is to help the person understand that the relationship exists for a reason, and that without them, the reason will never manifest.  Barnes knew that since we were days away from crossing the border, he couldn’t be replaced.  He knew that his fellow marines needed him to be his best because their lives, including mine, depended on him.  He knew that being a marine was something few of us could be and that going to war was something that even fewer of us could deal with.  Somehow that knowledge had been buried and I knew that he wanted to be more.  All that was needed was someone to remind him.

            Edification, like buildings, lasts awhile.  They’re largely impervious to conditions, and can be improved upon to increase their value.  That’s the difference between edification and flattery or compliments.  Edification is based on unemotional facts which prove something.  These facts are not given to interpretation or manipulation because they’re based in truth, not feelings, opinions, or rosy optimism.  When I verified facts about Barnes’ recent past by asking him “is that correct”, notice I didn’t put question marks after the phrase because I knew that they were true.  I spoke to him in a calm yet unemotional manner.  I had no idea why Barnes was slipping and I didn’t care.  There was something more important than Barnes at stake and he had to be shown that what he was doing mattered.  In other words, he was important.

            Salesmanship is leadership.  Leadership is life itself.  And like life, if you are unable to take charge of the sales process, your performance will be dictated to you.  Another thing about life is that none of us can do it alone.  We need others.  And the best way to get out of a rut and become better people is to help someone else.  Try it, it works every time.  When you go to a listing appointment or give a sales presentation, you’re not applying for a job.  You’re creating a coalition, which is what leaders do.  And when you create a coalition, the best leaders among us focus on those who follow us.  Focus on others, specifically people you serve, and not only will they benefit, but you will as well.  And when you focus on someone, understand them by believing in them, even if they’re “unworthy” in your eyes.  After all, there was a moment in your life where you were made to feel unworthy by circumstances or individuals.  Be remembered for who you actually are, and help yourself by helping others.

“The test of a preacher is that his congregation goes away saying not “What a lovely sermon.” but “I will do something!”
 -St. Francis de Sales

             It’s been said that “The difference between manipulation and influence is the intention.”.  This is absolutely true, however if you are unable to fully convey your intentions, people will never know who you are and what you stand for.  Mastery of the art of communication is perhaps the surest way to succeed in life.  Even if you’re not in a leadership position or a position to exert that much influence, you still need others.  This is a rather comprehensive list (which will be expanded upon later) because we feel the ability to connect with others is so vital that you cannot get by in life without it.  Today we’ll give you the first four.

1.         Credibility      The word “credible” stems from the Latin term credere which means “to believe”.  However the original meaning is ascribed to the speaker, not the speech.  Credibility is based on 3 things: a)  your personal history (including the history of your relationship with your audience)  b)  the connection between your words and your actions and c)  personal appearance.  History is important because people will remember how you make them feel, not necessarily what you say.  In terms of the congruence of your words and actions, even if you have a sketchy past with your audience you can resolve your reputation over time.  Richard Nixon was defeated by John F. Kennedy in the 1960 presidential election.  The American public had simply dismissed him as a player in politics.  However, after the tumultuous presidency of Lyndon Johnson, Kennedy’s successor, Nixon was able to win a landslide victory in the subsequent 2 elections.  After Watergate shattered Nixon’s reputation, he was still able to emerge a decade later as an elder statesman who still substantially influenced politics.  Finally, personal appearance is absolutely mandatory in order to influence.  It may seem trivial but it’s not.  If you are giving a sales presentation or are at a listing appointment, you must look the part.  As my friend and former coach Tom Ferry said, “What do you want them to think of you the second they look through the peephole?”.  Look the part.  Even if your clients are informal or “casual” in their attitude or appearance, wear a tie, drive a decent car, and maintain an acceptable level of fitness.  Appearance will not substitute for competence, but setting the stage to your “likeability” factor by wearing nice clothes (not flashy) and having a formal (business-like) demeanor shows respect and will always make your prospective audience feel important.  Ensure you enhance your credibility by affirming the fact that it is who you are.  In Southern California where “business casual” is flip-flops and a t-shirt, I still wore a tie when on appointments.  Many clients would say that it was unnecessary for me to “dress up” for them.  My response was always that I wasn’t wearing a tie for them, I was wearing it for me. 

2.         Consistency    Your message must always reflect your set of values which do not change with time or exposure to other ways of life.  The importance of one value vis a vis another may shift, but your core values are hard-wired and unchanging.  And by “values” we mean honor, truth, acceptance, tolerance, etc. not things such as “having a nice house” or “being good at sports”.  Even though your beliefs may change, your values will not.  This is why your goals need to be rooted in your values.

            People are not turned off by hearing the same thing over and over again.  If your message is being presented to a fertile audience, consistency will make them feel secure and knock those on the fence to one side or the other.  For example, a huge misconception about Adolph Hitler’s appeal to Germany was the “Big Lie” theory which people assume is “If you tell a lie big enough, people will believe it.”.  That’s only half of it.  What Hitler knew to be true was if you tell a lie big enough, and repeat it often enough, people will believe it.  There’s a reason why the Romans said that repetition is the “mother of study”.  Consistency is the principle which reinforces principle # 1, credibility.  Now matter how good looking you are or the value of what you have to say, if your message changes repeatedly, you will never be believed.

3.         Context           If consistency is a mark of credibility, context is crucial to acceptability.  If a neo-Nazi says the same thing over and over again and appears to genuinely believe in what he’s saying, he can radically misquote or convert the meaning of what he’s saying, even if he’s quoting a fact or a person verbatim.  A quote from one of Shakespeare’s plays you often see on t-shirts is “First, kill all the lawyers.”.  Lawyer-bashing aside, that sentence was uttered by an anarchist in the play who was plotting to overthrow the government by destabilizing society.  So despite Shakespeare’s homage to what he thought was an honorable profession, the exact words have been converted to the exact opposite of their original meaning. 

            But sadly, misquotes and failure to appreciate the context of communication is not only the province of the uneducated or ignorant.  When Admiral Stockdale was Ross Perot’s candidate for Vice President he committed the cardinal sin of looking bad on television.  Adm. Stockdale was one of the most senior POWs during the Vietnam War and endured captivity for ten years being routinely beaten, tortured, and dehumanized.  Yet when he appeared on television for the Vice Presidential debate he opened with “Who am I?  Why am I here?” in the tradition of the rhetorical Greek philosophers.  He was attempting to persuade the American public to ponder the meaning and importance of their decision to vote.  Yet his questions meant to persuade were met with peals of laughter because his audience assumed he was catering to their belief that he was too old and senile.  When he asked one of the moderators to repeat the question and admitted that it was because he had to turn his hearing aid up, the audience once again showed that they had made up their mind by bursting out in laughter again.  Admiral Stockdale was hard of hearing because he had his eardrums broken so many times from beatings that he was practically deaf without his hearing aid.  A sad example of context being misconstrued to suit beliefs vs. the truth.

4.         Compassion      People will not care until you show them that you care.  Assuming you do, you still have to relay the fact that you value their concerns not by coming up with an answer right away, but by affirmation.  You can validate someone’s concerns without validating the accuracy of those same concerns.  Compassion also does not necessarily mean support.  For example, when polled, most Americans (slightly over 60%) say that they feel that gay marriage should be allowed.  However, almost every ballot initiative for the legalization of gay marriage is voted down nationwide.  First of all polls are notoriously vague and easily manipulated (more on that later) and secondly, feeling sorry for the suffering of others is not the same as consent.  We’re not being political, we’re illustrating the stark difference between consent and compassion.

            An excellent book which speaks to affirmative communication is “How to Talk to Your Kids (So that they’ll listen)”.  Although the techniques are tailored to children, the principles remain the same.  Affirmative (in the sense of validating) communication looks like this:  When someone expresses a concern, you must first show empathy towards them, NOT sympathy.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, empathy is showing understanding of what they’re going through.  If a client or friend approaches you with a fear, you should show them you care by stopping what you’re doing, sit near them, and listen.  Hearing is being able to know what they’re saying while thinking of something else (what to say next, what you believe they’re thinking, etc.).  Listening is a concrete pause in action and words and making direct eye contact (this can be conveyed over the phone as well). 

            The next step to affirming someone’s concerns is to agree with how thinking about the concern makes them feel or how disturbing the concern would be if it actually materialized.  Do not move on before adequately and meaningfully conveying that you’re taking what they’re saying seriously, no matter how invalid or remote.  Do not under any circumstances show or infer that the concern is foolish or even highly unlikely.  If someone approaches you with a fear (which is what a concern is), that thing which “only happens to other people” has suddenly become very real.  Real enough to be a possibility in their minds and if you don’t show a willingness to understand the gravity of what they’re saying then you’re also displaying an unwillingness to act should it happen (whether that’s true or not).  A person’s core need before anything else, love included, is to feel valuable, to feel important.  If you dismiss someone’s concerns in any way, you’re showing them (in their mind) that they’re not worth defending or helping.  This is not only in the perception of a child but also adults.  For example, if you’re at a listing appointment and people are worried about the volatility of the market, and your initial response is “don’t worry about it”, they won’t even listen as to why.  If you’re giving a presentation to a board, and you respond to a question with you’re view that what is being brought up “would never happen”, you’re going to make that person look childish in front of his peers.  If you make the chairman look childish in front of his subordinates, you’ll be swimming upstream from that point onwards.

            The final step is to recommend a solution by first asking them if they have any ideas or recommendations themselves.  Don’t ask them if they’ve already thought of any (as in past tense) because that will give the impression that you think they’re being impulsive or anxious.  Even if they are, try to collaborate with them in finding a solution.  Guide the discovery process and try not to appear to have all of the answers.  If they’re part of the problem solving process then they’ll feel better about the partnership they have with you and because of an increased sense of control, they will feel better about the future.  Never forget that you are a leader.  And leaders are about persuasion, not convincing.  Your primary asset, the thing you must always represent and remember, is what Napoleon said regarding leadership:  “Leaders are dealers in hope.”. 

            In summary, if you lack credibility, you’ll be seen as a bore.  If you lack consistency, you’ll be seen as confused.  If you lack context, you’ll be seen as a charlatan.  And if you lack compassion, you’ll be seen as an enemy.  The 12 Principles of Successful Communication may seem like a lot to keep track of.  But they’re not stages in the communication process.  All of them are continuous and complimentary of one another.  The good news is if you’re honest towards yourself and others and honest about what you can and cannot do, you will never fail.  If honesty is the foundation of your communication style then you may have to rehearse what you have to say, but not what you mean.